11.7.23

As we head into the holiday season, there’s usually a mixed bag of emotions that pops up:

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Excitement over seeing friends and family again, and dread over seeing friends and family again.

 

This is completely normal!

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We’re broken, sinful humans living in a broken sinful world. We’re surrounded by complicated relationships wherever we go.

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And sometimes it really sucks.

 

But this holiday season, I want you to know that it’s okay to set boundaries and stick to them, even when your boundaries trigger people.

 

If you know that interacting with a certain relative leaves you feeling drained, extra stressed or feeling inadequate, then you might need to put a boundary in place.

 

Run through a couple memories and really think on how those interactions felt; do you want to experience those feelings again? 

 

If you don’t love how you felt, then it’s time to make a change.

 

Before you get into the setting, plan ahead: what you are okay doing, what you are NOT okay doing, and how are you going to handle it.

 

One of the best things you can do is think of obstacles before they even happen.

 

How do you think the interactions will go?

 

What might go wrong?

 

Who is going to have big feelings? 

 

In other words, plan for shit to hit the fan.

 

EXAMPLE: Uncle Bob wants to take a dig at your job. You calmly and politely tell Uncle Bob that you don’t think what he is saying is funny, even if he thinks it’s a joke. You tell him it feels demeaning and ask him to stop. Uncle Bob and Aunt Grace are offended that you would say such a thing and tell you to just let it go, it was a joke. You state again that it does not feel like a joke but rather a condescending jab. They become pissed and proceed to talk about how ridiculous you’re being to the other relatives.

 

Obviously a made-up scenario, but you get the idea.

 

Plan for the shit so you can prep your nervous system in advance and help keep it regulated.

 

The goal is to create safety with yourself, so that you can prevent your body, mind and emotions from careening off a cliff. 

 

PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE

 

Run through the scenarios with different variations and pay attention to what’s happening in your body.

 

Do you feel shoulders tensing from stress? Are you developing a tension headache? Is your stomach in knots? Is your heart racing?

 

Your brain is going to try to convince you that you will die from experiencing these physical sensations, and will do just about anything to prevent you from feeling them. 

 

When in reality, you will be just fine.

 

Sure, nobody likes feeling stress or anxiety or nervousness. But you’re not going to randomly drop dead from them.

 

Keep exposing yourself to these different possible scenarios and keep showing your brain that you are okay.

 

“Yes, I don’t like feeling my heart beating really fast. And yes, I am okay.”

 

The more you’re able to do this in advance, the less your brain will perceive the physical sensation to be a serious threat, and the more relaxed your nervous system will be the day of the gathering.

 

If you have a husband or significant other, communicate your plan with them and let them be a support person for you. Enlist them to keep tabs on you and explain how they can help the day of.

 

And remember: it’s okay for people to not like you.

 

It’s okay for people to get angry with you for holding a boundary that they don’t like.

 

They are responsible for their own reactions/feelings, as are you. 

 

Obviously you don’t want to go around being a jerk to people and then acting like they are the ones with the problem. Goodness, no. 

 

Come from a calm place of understanding your value while also respecting them as people who God created and deeply loves. 

 

The holidays are beautiful and messy.

 

But this year, you get to decide how you’re going to show up and what energy you’re going to bring.

 

Cheers to wellness and protecting your peace this holiday season!

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  elise

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